Sexuality and our self-perception

I am nearing the end of "Pursuing Sexual Wholeness", a book by Andrew Comiskey, the founder of Desert Stream Ministries, a ministry dedicated to helping men and women come out of homosexuality with its roots in The Vineyard.

Last night as I was reading before bed, I came across this:

Redeemed sexuality gives life; unyielded sexuality constrains it. Sexuality is critical to our personhood and spirituality. Far deeper than mere genital contact, sexuality involves how we perceive ourselves as gender people and the kinds of boundaries we establish in relationships with others. That's why broken sexuality can become such an avenue of spiritual darkness. When the yearning to know and be known becomes empowered by evil, sexuality jumps its track and careens chaotically outside of God's will. The devestation wrought by the sexual failures of key Christian leaders confirms the power of sexuality gone awry; it helps us grasp the truth that UNSUBMITTED sexual brokenness polutes one's whole being and can polute the church as well.

The next paragraph goes on to talk about how the power of Jesus is an inexhaustible source of resurrecting people from the weight of sexual and spiritual brokenness. That's sort of what the entire book is about.

What's your reaction to the above diatribe? How do you see your sexuality affecting the way you see yourself? How have you seen God resurrect your self image through healing sexuality; or, as the case may be, do you believe God can resurrect your self image through healed sexuality?

Let's talk about it.

Flag on the play

God has to save me daily. Sometimes I can get through an attack with the things he has taught me to do through the past, like having an Internet filter or calling a friend. But sometimes he saves me through ways that I don't see coming.

Today, i was beaten. It was as if I had called on option play, but the opponent had sniffed it out. Let's say my receiver downfield was my buddy Ronny the Bruce, who I called to try to take my mind off the temptation. Let's say my pitchman was my internet filter, but it's just so darn easy to turn that thing off.

Yesterday, when I was in Nashville, I received a spam e-mail at my other blog. It was supposedly from a woman I had never met, but she was super hot. I could tell from the convenient photo she sent along with the message. She was a model, and invited me to do a search on this modeling Web site. Oh, and she was looking for a man to date — that bullshit was insulting. Anyway, I got to thinking about that e-mail and how cool it would be to search for her on that Web site to see what I could see. Who knows? Maybe it would get my motor running enough to go venture other places. And my filter would already be down, because I can't get to my other blog at home because it is a "chat" site, and my filter blocks it. (I blog at work, if you must know.)

Well, after calling The Bruce, and after disabling the filter, I went to the other blog only to find that I had deleted the e-mail when I received it. So there was no model to search for, and my bout was over. It was as if I had been stopped on fourth down, only to find a flag on the play. The opponent had been playing with 12 men on the field, and the 10 extra yards not only gave me the first down, but it put me in range for the game-winning field goal.

Today God saved me with setting good habits. Because I deleted the junk when it came in, I was spared later.

Right vs. Wrong and Healthy vs. Unhealthy

Semantics, semantics, semantics. Think they aren't important? As a journalist, I disagree. And semantics are part of the negative stigma that surrounds homosexuality and other sexual issues as well as what drives a lot of guys to it.

We just can't look at sin as a matter of right and wrong anymore. When we say something is wrong, or someone is wrong, a devaluing connotation follows. This goes for all sorts of sin — when we hear we are wrong, we think we have less worth. For some people this leads to dispair, a loss of hope that perpetuates the bad habit.

But if we look at sin as unhealthy, I think that levels the scales. So instead of saying, "Your wrong!" Let's say, "There's a better way." It's a way to give someone hope because you are offering the idea that their life could be better. I don't think that comes across the other way.

You will be healthier, and thus happier, God's way. God's way is designed for our good, not to keep us down. It's authoritive direction, not prohibitive.

Things to celebrate

I'm coming up on 3 months and I'm not enjoying sobriety. I told The Boxer yesterday at church that Satan had been chipping away at me this week. Stupid little things like flipping to Fox, looking for the late baseball game (forgetting it was on ESPN) and finding an ad for a phone-sex service. Phone sex has never been my thing. I'm all for, as Toby Keith sang back when he pretended to have talent, "A little less talk and a lot more action." So I started thinking about ways I could get some action.

That's just one example. It has dominated my thoughts like a nagging mother. Trying not to overanalyze, some of the reasons for this sucky week include:
1.) It's just habit and my cycle is coming around again;
2.) I've made close friends with a woman who I think is stunning, and we've shared some intimate (non-sexual) time together. There's some middleschool-style ambiguity (at least on my part), and it's getting my motor running.

So I've got no way to satisfy my sex drive other than making shower babies (thank God showers can't have babies, or I would have to work 4 jobs to pay child support). Jerking off is a really sucky substitute (also another reason to be thankful ... I hope), and so the whole porn-as-a-way-to-get-my-orgasm-fix is really bothering me. (Masterbation is an issue for another post.)

What I have decided to do as a way to encourage myself, is to share with you, and myself, all the things I am thankful that I have not had to deal with during the last 3 months of no porn. I've already got 2, and I wasn't even trying — Showers' inability to procreate and jerking off as a sucky substitute (don't take that any further, brother).

What? There's more? Well, of course:
— No mind-cripling guilt in the morning ... (or afternoon, or whenever)
— Self-confidence has remained reasonable
— I'm not poluting my mind with fraudulent images and ideas of sexuality
— I haven't had the added stress of pushing my schedule (sometimes I'll look at porn right to the last second before I have to go to work in the afternoon)
— I'm getting enough sleep at night (or at least when I'm not, I have a better reason for being tired than watching naked people do things that are spiritually unhealthy)
— I'm honoring myself, my God, my future wife and my future children, all of which are more important to me than just about anything (yeah, I said I'm important to me, also another post)
— I'm turning to real affections, like God and close friends, who truly care about me, not a counterfeit that just wants to prey on me like a vulture on roadkill
— I'm reforming my habits
— I'm living a healthy(er) lifestyle
— I'm being good to myself.

So there's 10, take the first 2, and that's 12. Tell you what, I really like waking up guilt-free, and getting enough sleep. It makes the coffee a luxury instead of a necessity. And I have Cups coffee at the house, so it's really good.

So there's a lot of reasons to celebrate. I just had to remind myself.

Resurrection

Spiritual renewal is the starting point for healing. It gives us, if nothing else, a reason for change. A motivator. I think it also gives us the power to overcome our addictions and old habits.

Many times we struggle with sex outside of God's designed context because we are trying to replace His influence on our lives. Whatever the reason — we may think God doesn't care about us, given up on us, is against us ... I believe that God is for us, not against us. The evidence is that he went to pretty extreme measures just to hang out with us.

I believe God is very personal. He wants a relationship with us. It's a deep combination of Father figure and friend. This is where many of us get hung up because we have had negative experiences with our fathers and/or our friends and we're just trying to protect ourselves from feeling that pain again. I believe God is different than our fathers and our friends.

So, God made us, right? I think he wanted to make us. I think he wanted to make us because he just wanted some company. He made us like him (in his image has a lot of different interpretations, the specifics of which are sort of irrelevant for this discussion). But in a shocking turn of events, there came to be a rift between us (whether you believe the Biblical Creation story is literal truth or symbolic, the main idea is that there is division between God and man, and that is not what God originally intended).

The consequence of living outside God's guidelines is separation from God (or what is referred to as death in the Bible), because God is so good that he can't be in the presence of things that are even slightly ungood. Ungood things are destroyed by his presence. So what does God do to bridge the gap? He breaks the power of death.

God put on some skin, but not in that creepy Silence of the Lambs way, I promise. He lived a while, like we do, then he died (a criminal's death mind you — short tangent ... if you were to update those cross necklaces to the modern equivalent, they would be electric chair necklaces: discuss) then he spent some time in hell.

But he didn't stay there. That's what is truly incredible. He's the only person to ever rise from the dead on his own power. So essentially, he overcame the power of death, which is pretty significant in the spiritual realm, from what little I understand about the spiritual realm. On top of that, he predicted he would do it and came through. That helps me trust him.

Because God broke the power of death, we no longer have to spend any time apart from him. He has said, 'Hey, I want you.' All we gotta do to hang out with him is say, 'Hey, I want you, too. You're pretty cool, actually.'

God is for you, not against you. I know it may have felt the opposite to you for a long time. But he wants you. You are valuable to him. Precious is a good word. He went to pretty extreme measures to let you know.

The Boxer

I'm coming up on where my cycle usually takes a turn for the worse. Yesterday I was bored, hyper (too much coffee at church, so I had difficulty taking my beloved Sunday nap), and horny. The Falcons were futzing around in Seattle, so I started drifting channels and there were some thigns on that I did not need to see.

In the interest of creating new habits, I got up and took Jack to the park. But as I was leaving the house, I called my friend The Boxer to let him know what was going on. We talked about what I was feeling and, since he was outside the situation, he was able to speak to me objectively and talk some sense into me. The porn is only going to hurt me, and God will give me the power/strength to make the right choice.

Accountability works, but only when you have other men you can trust and identify with. The Boxer is recovering from other addictions and has found success, but only with the help of the Holy Spirit and other men who are fighting for him and alongside him.

Having other men on your side gives a feeling like nothing else. No woman, sex, drug, anything can replace that feeling. It's the feeling of security. It's the feeling of self-worth. When you find the men you know you can call at 2 a.m. when they have to be at work at 8 a.m., and risk waking up their wives, that's when you know you've found someone who is on your side. It makes you feel like you have value, and that helps you believe that you deserve better than the counterfeit affection.

I got through my rough spot with The Boxer's help.

Qualified? Well ...

I am not qualified to help on a professional level. Heck, my degree is from a journalism school, if that tells you anything. But I think my experiences have qualified me to help on a strictly human, layperson level. I have been forgiven much; I can love much (Luke 7:47). I hope this is a place where y'all can start to experience that love, forgiveness, and freedom. In short, the abundant life God promises.

This place is NOT a substiture for couselling and professional help. I think it might be a small suppliment. You will find links here that will guide you to professional, more qualified help, and it is recommended you seek professional help.

that said, let's talk about it ...